Something very exciting happened last week! Namely, Bret and I went to our very first official lawyerly social event. Now, I’m not sure how many of you go to formal social events, but they are quite a to do around these parts.
Since I’m a now an expert in all things formal event-y and lawyer spouse-y, I have decided to share my wisdom with all of you who may not know as much as I do.*
T-23 Hours: Call your husband while you walk from the train to your softball game. Pat yourself on the back for being such a concerned and considerate wife who truly cares about what her husband did on his third day of work. Find out that there is a formal event in less than 24 hours. Commence freak out.
T-23.5 Hours: Call your mother (the family expert on all things black tie) to squee/cry. She will tell you what to do.
T-22 Hours: Suffer an entirely random softball injury. Drink a beer while sitting on the ground and trying not to cry. Remind yourself that there’s no crying in baseball or black tie fundraisers.
T-19 Hours: Think about picking out your dress for the gala. Decide to lay on the couch some more.
T-15 Hours: Wake up on the couch. Have your husband hand you another double dose of Motrin and assist you down the stairs.
T-9 Hours: Realize that you have a formal event to attend in less than 10 hours. Freak out a little on the inside but vow to get a manicure.
T-6 Hours: Find a place to get a manicure for real cheap. Be silently grateful about the fact that the lovely gentleman doing your nails doesn’t seem to speak much English as it gives you plenty of time to rehearse zippy one-liners in your head. Think about how you’ll answer the question “What do you do?” Wonder if “I don’t work. I’m a kept woman.” will go over well.
T-5 Hours: Watch Bones while you talk yourself into hopping down the stairs to get your hair done.
T-4 Hours: Seriously vow to stop watching TV and start getting ready as soon as this third episode of Bones ends.
T-3 Hours: Panic about how little time you have left before the big event. Hobble downstairs and curl your hair. Curse yourself for going with the chin-length bob — it is just so much harder to curl than the long hair. Spend entirely too much time perfecting your hair and then take a few selfies to make sure that you like the way it looks.
T-2 Hours: Start to think about makeup. Remember that you’re not very good at makeup and have never had a problem with not wearing makeup. Consider not wearing makeup. Decide that not wearing makeup to your first official event as a lawyer’s wife is not the right occasion to let your inner crunchy hippy shine.
T-1.5 Hours: Makeup completed, put on your dress. Shamelessly match all of your accessories to your nail color. Remind yourself that posture and abdominal engagement are that keys to formal event success.
T-1 Hour: Head out to pick your husband up from work. I find that it’s best to pick a stupid argument with him about the directions he gives you to his office. This is a great way to put yourself in the right mindset for your first formal event with his boss. Really.
T-0 Hours: Take a deep breath, smile and pretend you’ll remember everyone’s names.
*Because attendance at one event makes you an expert, okay? Just go with it.