The other night, I made a truly terrible discovery: I purchased reduced fat crescent rolls.

I know, I know. It’s a simple mistake! Anyone can make it! Still, I was greatly disappointed with myself and my reading skills. (Did I mention that I just got glasses? This seems pertinent to the story because apparently, I’ve been walking around the past three years not seeing too good.)

So, I called my mother in a state of wholehearted lamentation. After lambasting me for such a “rookie mistake” and pontificating about the evils of reduced fat shredded cheese, my mother made a suggestion that would change my life.

“Just, you know, put a bunch of stuff in it and a cube of butter. It’s like Hot Pockets, but you can spin them as homemade and loving and stuff.”

Ladies and gentlemen, my mother is a genius.

Hungry as I was, I got to work, cramming the reduced fat crescent rolls with the random deli products that my husband keeps on hand. Honey Roasted Oscar Meyer Ham? Fabulous! Questionable-looking slices of Colby Jack cheese? Sure, why not? Cube of butter? Obligatory.

Once the blighted rolls were full-to-bursting with stuff, I set about the arduous task of making the piles look like Hot Pockets. This was difficult because crescent rolls are cut into triangles. Still, I found a way to smoosh the dough shut.image (1)

(Experts, I am told, would recommend “crimping” to do this. However, I associate crimping with a bad 80s hair trend, so smooshing it is!)

Then, I lovingly placed the balls of deli-stuffed dough into the oven, at 375 degrees per package instructions. I spent the next 13 and a half minutes crouched in front of my oven, watching the delicious orbs rise and brown.
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(Also, wondering when the last time I cleaned my oven door was. And lecturing myself about the disgusting state of my oven door. My kitchen maintenance skills are lacking, obviously.)

Then, after my 13.5 minutes of wishing, hoping and waiting had expired, I swooped in and rescued my Reduced Fat Not Pockets from the oven. I admired my golden brown and delicious creations and artfully arranged two on the plate.

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Which I photographed, because, you know, that’s what bloggers do.

Then, I cut one in half and took a picture of the inside. Again, because that’s what bloggers do.

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Finally, after I had lovingly preened over my mother’s idea come to life, I snorfed a few down with ketchup, which is my preferred Hot Pocket condiment.

Honestly? They were pretty good. The cheese melted nicely, the dough was cooked through and the ham tasted safe-to-eat. But they weren’t Hot Pockets. They were reduced fat crescent rolls that I stuffed with stuff to redeem myself.

I highly recommend it.